


Sacrifice

by She_Who_Only_Knows_War



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Cutting, Multi, Nobody gets a happy ending, Suicide, Unreliable Narrator, sort of non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 10:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8841124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/She_Who_Only_Knows_War/pseuds/She_Who_Only_Knows_War
Summary: Jamie sacrifices, unaware of the after affects.And unaware that it's the wrong sort of sacrifice Sonia wants.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to clear out my head. Sorry, guys.

"I don't know, Sonia."

"Oh, come on, Jamie. It'll be fun. We don't even have to stay for very long."

Jamie's brow quirked, lips twisting. "You know how I feel."

"Tough shit, Jamie," Said Sonia. Her green eyes shimmered in the light. "I don't care. We're going."

 _Tough shit._ The same thing Sonia says when she feels Jamie's feelings don't matter. When she feels she's going to do whatever she wants and Jamie doesn't get a say.

Jamie shrugs. "Whatever."

xXx

"You two are just like the last same-sex couple I met. Except less crazy."

Sonia leans across the table. "Really?"

"Why," Says Meghan. "One wanted the other to prove she was gay by having sex with a man."

Jamie and Sonia share a look, "That's terrible!"

"I know," Says Meghan. "They broke up six months later and moved."

There's a long beat of silence.

"I found the playing cards!" Macy cries as she runs into the room. Her arms are full of playing decks. "Hand and Foot, anyone?"

xXx

"Maybe you should."

"No, Sonia." It's been a day and a half, and Jamie had hoped Sonia would never suggest it. "I love you. I want you. I'm not sharing my body with anyone else."

Sonia's fingers tangle in Jamie's inky black hair. "But you're straight. You said it yourself."

"Yes," Jamie says. She wants to be patient, but the anger is seeping through the cracks. "But I've gone monogamous with you."

"And that's another thing. You said you didn't want Poly. And then you did."

Jamie bites her lips together. Doesn't talk about how she told Sonia that was who she was from the start. "I quit for you."

"But only after you got what you wanted."

Jamie shrugs. Looks away.

"And that's another thing. You only quit from one bad date-"

"No," Says Jamie, "I quit because I didn't want to share you with anyone else. Because I realized I was wrong."

"-Maybe you should go on another."

Jamie carefully closes her mouth.

xXx

"I'm really glad you're mine," Says Sonia. Her eyes hypnotize Jamie from her place under Sonia's arm.

"Glad to be yours." The afterglow leaves Jamie relaxed, giddy like the first time. "I love you, Sonia."

Sonia shifts a little, gets a little closer. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

Sonia shifts again. Stares up at the ceiling. "I think you just think you love me. You don't really."

Jamie's mouth opens. Her lungs suck as much air in as they can. They feel empty. "What?"

"You've never been with anybody else. I think you like me. But you only _think_ you love me because I took your virginity."

Pain lights behind Jamie's eyes. "You're kidding."

"No," Says Sonia. "Think about it. You're straight. But you love me? You want sex? With me?"

"Yes. Because I love you. And nothing else."

"Jamie-"

" _No, Sonia._ And that's it."

Her smile relieves some of the shock Jamie feels. "Okay."

xXx

 

Working in the back is Jamie's favorite part of her job. The boxes are her only problem and it's quiet. Barbara provides interesting conversation this time. About anything and everything.

"So how many guys have you been with?"

Jamie's attention snaps back to the chattering woman. "What?"

"That's how you know you like girls, right? How many?"

"I haven't," Says Jamie. "I've dated but never..."

Barbara gasps. "Never?"

With a shrug, Jamie turns back to cutting up her box. "Never."

"Oh my God, girl. I hope you never do. You would leave Sonia."

Jamie scoffs. "I'm sure I wouldn't."

"I hope you're right," Says Barbara. "Just don't ever do it-"

The vibration of a ringing phone breaks their conversation. Jamie answers without hesitation. "Sonia?"

_"Please come home."_

"Okay. I'll be there, soon." Turning to Barbara, Jamie says, "I've got to go."

xXx

"I sacrifice everything. My year has been shit," Says Sonia.

"It's been shitty for everyone."

"But not as much as for me."

Jamie sighs. "It's going to be okay."

Sonia's eyes darken. "And I've sacrificed much more than you."

Jamie keeps her mouth shut. Teeth clenched on the anger she feels. Doesn't mention her savings going down the drain. Or having to drop out of college so they could eat. Doesn't mention how exhausted she constantly is or how she was almost fired because of it. That would be keeping score.

And Jamie doesn't keep score with people she loves.

"I mean, fuck! I gave up my family. Gave up a job I loved and was forced to move in with you. I don't want to be in this fucking state!"

 _Then go home,_ Jamie almost says. _Break up with me. Do something about it._ "Do you want me to send you back to Oklahoma?"

"Of course not," Says Sonia. "I'm happy with you. Don't you want to be with me?"

Utterly confused, Jamie nods. "I truly do."

xXx

"I still think you only like sex with me because you haven't been with anybody else," Says Sonia.

Jamie sighs. "You know that isn't true."

"I do," She says. "There are so many people out there who are better than me. You just have to find them and then you'll leave me."

"I'm not going to leave you, Sonia."

A vibration on the nightstand goes off.

Before Jamie can get it, Sonia's opened it up. "I thought you said you got off this site."

"I did," Says Jamie. "The only thing I do is read the messages via email."

"First, you're looking at their photos-"

"I can't avoid those if that's their profile picture, Sonia."

"Why are you talking to them?"

"What's wrong with talking to them?"

"It's a sex site. They only want one thing. That's why."

Jamie tilts her head. Swallows her frustration. "But I always tell them I'm not looking for anything."

"So? Everyone in my family would hate you if they found out."

Jamie rolls her bright blue eyes. "They already hate me, Sonia."

"They would say it was cheating."

"Talking to someone in a non-sexual way?"

"It's a sex site!"

Jamie can do nothing but throw up her hands. "Okay. Fine."

"And now, you're reading the things they sent you."

There's something dark sprouting in Jamie's chest. She can feel it. But she doesn't know if it will go away. "I wasn't on the site. I didn't see their profile pictures. And I never reply."

"I feel cheated on."

"Cheated on?"

"You lied and went behind my back."

Jamie carefully closes her mouth.

"You say you want to be with me. But you say you're straight. You aren't attracted to me nearly as much as you think you are."

"Can't I decide that?"

"We both know you look at men like," Sonia splutters for a moment. "We both know you think sexual things about men."

Jamie's teeth clench. More than once, she has told Sonia that she's trained herself never to think of a real person. Never allowed herself to get off on someone else's image or body. She can't objectify another human.

"You think about sex with them, don't you?" She takes a step closer to Jamie. "Don't you?"

Jamie steps back. The image of shoving Sonia crashes through her mind. But she won't. Not to Sonia.

"And you don't talk to me. You never tell me what's on your mind."

"Why should I? I only ever say the same things anyway."

xXx

"I think I want to try sleeping with a man."

"No," Says Sonia.

"Okay," Says Jamie. "I think I'm going to head for bed. I have to be up at six am."

"No," Says Sonia again. "Stay up with me."

"No, Sonia." Had she not been living on four hours of sleep for two weeks at Sonia's behest, she may have considered it. But as it was, she was falling asleep while driving.

"Please, Jamie. Why do you have to act so old? I just want to be with you."

"Sonia, it's already midnight. I've spent all day with you." Jamie doesn't glance back, but she hears Sonia sniffling and crying down the hall. Feels guilty.

But is angry when she comes home at four to find Sonia still asleep.

Deciding to set it aside, feeling delirious with exhaustion, she peels off her clothes and climbs in to bed.

This is when Sonia rolls over. "What are you doing?"

"I want to sleep, Sonia."

"Nope," Says Sonia. "We've got shit to do. Get up."

"Sonia-"

"No whining."

Jamie thinks about shoving Sonia down the stairs of their second floor apartment.

xXx

"You only love me because you've never been with anybody else," Sonia says again.

Doubts have started to seep through the cracks in Jamie's armour. She sometimes wonders if Sonia is right. If she'll wake up one day, knowing she doesn't want Sonia. "Fine. I'll prove it. Let me have sex with someone else and I will show you that you're the one I want to be with."

"Okay," Says Sonia. "Who?"

Jamie hasn't thought about it, hasn't wanted to.

xXx

"Remember to use a condom, okay?"

"Hey," Says Jamie. She and Sonia are lying side by side. "I promise. I'm not going to mess this up. I'm probably going to hate it. And then I get to come home and tell you that I only want you."

Sonia sighs. "He won't go down on you. He'll probably just get what he wants and leave."

"I know," Says Jamie. "It's a transaction. And I won't talk to him afterwards. At all."

"What if you like him?"

"Sonia," Says Jamie. "He's unattractive as hell. I have a hard time even thinking about being naked with him."

"Let's just get this over with," Says Sonia.

Jamie shrugs.

xXx

"What time are you going?" Asks Sonia.

"I'm going to cancel," Says Jamie. "I'm not ready."

Sonia comes back into the room, Jamie loves the way she looks in her work uniform. "You are."

"I'm not," Says Jamie. "I think I'll cancel. I don't have to know. I want to just be with you-"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here. I'm okay with it." She sits on the bed, takes Jamie's hand. "Honestly, this is for me, too. Because I don't know if I can be with you if I don't know for sure that you want me."

Jamie nods. "Okay. I'll probably call you to come get me."

Sonia nods, stands. "Text me his address and keep me updated, okay?"

"I will."

"And Jamie?"

Cold blue meets forest green. "Yes?"

"It's going to be okay. But you have to do this."

Jamie has to remind herself it's for Sonia so she doesn't cancel.

xXx

Walking through the door, Jamie feels fine. Perfectly fine.

Because she's never been more sure that Sonia's the one she wants.

"Seriously?" Asks Sonia. "You said you were going to text me. To call me."

"I'm sorry," Says Jamie. "But want to know something great? I'm not straight."

"There's come on your dress."

Surprised, Jamie pulls off her dress. "That upsets me."

"Why is there come on your dress?"

That, Jamie can't answer. Because she doesn't know.

"You didn't use protection, did you?"

"I did," Says Jamie.

"And you didn't call me. You liked it, didn't you?"

"Not really, no."

Sonia's eyes grow wet. Dark. "You want him, don't you?"

"What the hell? No, Sonia!"

"And now you'll fantasize about him during sex."

Jamie carefully shuts her mouth.

xXx

She can't even think about what happened. Sonia has her terrified there was a hole in the condom. That she's pregnant. That she's picked something up.

"If you're pregnant, I'm leaving you," Says Sonia. "But I'll help you take care of the baby."

 _If you leave,_ Jamie wants to say, _it's not your baby._

Tears gush from her face. "Why wasn't I enough?" She asks

"You've always been enough," Says Jamie.

"But you didn't cancel it," She says. "You didn't call it off. And you lied about the condom."

Jamie thinks about shoving her off the bed. Her head would hit the nightstand. She would be silent. Finally silent. "I told you he had it on. He just didn't put it on right away."

"And I told you not to let him go down on you. You're fucking psycho if you really thought I would be okay with this."

"Listen, I couldn't text you every five minutes because I was trying to focus and relax."

"And then you blame me. Why would you blame me?!"

 _Because most of it was for you,_ Thinks Jamie. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."

"Because you forgot me, Jamie. For four hours. You never thought about me once. Or you would have said you couldn't do it and come home."

The darkness is swallowing Jamie.

And she can't stop it.

"And because I can't trust you, I have the right to read every text you send, see every email, know every place you go, hear every conversation you have. And I will never trust anything you say."

Jamie misses her razors. More than anything. Wonders if red rivers hurt when they flow down wrists.

She gave her body. Let her soul be violated. For what?

"Why?"

"The experience," Says Jamie. "So I could keep you."

"Wow," Says Sonia. "That's fucking selfish. You want me, and someone else? An experience somewhere else?"

Jamie wonders what Sonia's blood would look like on the walls.

"I'm not going to let you be selfish anymore," Says Sonia. "It's one or the other, now. You don't get both."

"I didn't want him," Says Jamie.

"Why?"

"I wasn't attracted to him, Sonia!"

There's a long moment. "Maybe you should try it again with someone else."

Jamie keeps her mouth carefully closed.

xXx

When Sonia leaves for work, Jamie is careful to leave a note full of love and enough money to get her through two months, cries as she secures the rope.

Says goodbye to her last dream. Of children and a white picket fence with the only person she's ever seen a future with.

And lets go.


End file.
